Social anxiety is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.
I'm Morelia Balli, I have really severe social anxiety. I've always had this struggle since I was a small child, and it still has been here for 15 years and going. I'm not special to this disorder, nor do I feel privileged. Anyone you ask with social anxiety will tell you it's no fun, actually, just asking them might get them to over think and get anxiety. I know I do, just a simple, hi, causes my head to explode with how things could go. Just saying hi to me feels like a 1st world problem, when it's really not!
These are some things I struggle with everyday:
-I don't let people know if I have an issue.
-I don't like talking on the phone with people who aren't SUPER close to me.
-I don't start conversation and if one does start, I end it really quickly.
-I hate talking in big or small groups, also giving presentations, even with a partner.
-I hate participating, I literally count the people in my class to see which paragraph I would get.
-I'm afraid of being hated.
-I often think people don't like me or want to talk to me.
-If something happened to me earlier in the day, I think about it all day, even more days and weeks! I have a few things I still think about that has happened years ago.
-I blush ALL the time and its always getting redder and redder, and the reasons are dumb. Like my math teacher asking me what I have planned this summer, I still think about how stupid I am.
-When I say I don't care about your opinion, I actually really do, and if I try to convince myself I don't, I know I'm lying to myself.
-If someone says something to me or about me, I hold it over my head and is always coming back to mind.
-Takes me a long time or a true connection to be actually comfortable with someone. If you're my friend, you're one of the lucky few.
-I hate asking questions, for example, asking my teachers to use the restroom, goings through the drive through, talking to store employs, etc.
-Fear of trade and grade and having to do my own.
-Preparing what I'll say over and over if I know what's coming.
These are only some, I have many more. I have so much potential to share with everyone, and I can't say a word. Some people always say to me "You don't talk much." "Why are you so quiet? Is because you don't want to or you don't like people?" "Aren't you talkative."
They don't understand that I am trying my very best, and it takes a lot of courage to even look back at them and say a sentence of a reply. It's super tough, I'm over looked, I'm automatically someone doesn't want to talk to because I seem awkward and not willing to communicate. In school, it's really hard, teachers calling on you unexpectedly, me freezing then turning bright red. I feel overlooked, but yet I feel like I have all eyes on me, I'm always trying to be faultless in front of everyone. I haven't seen anyone for it, but it's not a doubt that I have some case of social anxiety.
Over this last year, I've actually got a lot better at communicating. In my church I'm a part of has you praying, talking in front of people, we have group activities, teaching lessons, giving devotionals, leadership roles and all types of stuff that would make a anti-social, like me, cringe. This took a lot of getting used to, now I'm getting a lot more chatting, but this is only at church. I'm trying to expand this to all places I go, where I can feel as confident as I do in church. Social anxiety feels like a prison, this is a baby step for me to having the freedom I want, when I want, and where I want. To me, it's HUGE and I'm so proud of myself! I'm still no social butterfly, no where near, but I know that this is a tiny obstacle I am facing and it can be fixed with my own confidence in myself and being surrounded by the people I loves me for who I am and supports me. I know I will get to be the person I want to become someday.
The only person who is stopping me is, me, how hard can it be.
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